Reviews of New Food: Good Friends Cereal
Submitted by Phuong-Cac Nguyen for McSweeneys.net

I was born with shy, often unproductive bowel movements, so I've reluctantly learned I need more fiber than most people to get my kids comfortable for a dip in the pool. Hence, I discovered Kashi's Good Friends cereal, yet another exciting permutation in their line of healthy concoctions.

The box is at once daunting and reassuring. Two old people stare into space and point zombie grins toward me, a bowl of the magic stuff nestled under their chins. Their smiles say, "Yes, we crap regularly, and aren't we just delighted with ourselves! And dear sweet Jesus, aren't we so lucky! The last days of our lives couldn't be any better!"

I got the "fiber-lovers value pack" version, which is a nice way for Kashi to put it. People seeing us "fiber lovers" buying this are likely to say to themselves, "Wow, well, look at them, they love fiber, they would marry it!" Everyone knows nothing beats love, even if it's for fiber. It's nice to have a passion. This is incredibly pleasant messaging.

At home, sighing and feeling sad, I turn the box so my new Good Friends can look out the window and I can eat in peace.